It is 11:45 p.m. This evening finds me feeling blue. I am normally an upbeat person trying to find the good reason in each situation. But tonight is a different story. I am feeling devastated as the two most important people in my life are miles away from me. It will be an extremely long time until I see them again. I so wish that I could spend and share my daily life with them in the same room. It is not possible though at this time. Over the past few weeks, it feels like my heart has been ripped out with the loneliness of missing the good times I so want to be sharing with them. I also think of my loved ones in heaven and I want to direct dial to hear their voices … one more time.
Although it was over ninety degrees today, summer is soon over. The evening air has a touch of autumn. My room is quiet; too quiet. Who said silence is golden? Besides all of this I am hungry. I desire “real” food. This formula I live on doesn’t satisfy my longing to devour a sizzling t-bone steak topped with mushrooms, a baked potato and fresh asparagus with a little cheese on top. I pray for my paralyzed stomach and taste buds to come “alive” once more! Everything seems empty inside of me as I listen to the alarm on my enteral feeding pump go off.
How do I overcome these hopeless feelings? I decide to turn on some music that Gavin graciously downloaded for me. 1,998 different songs! How does one decide? I search for the most upbeat song I can find.
As I sing and twirl around the room, Ashley, the sweet kitty, watches my every move and gives me a faint meow. My sleeping cockatiel bird decides to wake up and sing along. He starts with a “wolf call” which apparently is just for me! I have to smile. Suddenly my room isn’t so quiet after all.
I think of this quote. “Oh, my friend, it’s not what they take away from you that counts. It’s what you do with what you have left.” ~ Hubert Humphrey.
What a powerful statement.
I have countless memories and photos of smiling faces to cheer me up. I have to remember that a part of them is always with me. I have many dreams left to fulfill and mountains to climb to obtain them; one by one. Tomorrow is another day. I think of my rainbow photo of hope and promise with Gavin’s verse:
Eyes lifted to greet it
The delicate crest of the rainbow
Just touching it with faint embraces ...
My smile is now returning. Positive thinking has returned. “Hopelessly hopeful” to me means totally and overwhelmingly hopeful.
I will be holding Gavin’s new novel, The Watchman, in my hands with in hours. I will be able to phone my friends and son in the morning and get caught up on the things I feel I have missed. I also remember that God never closes a door without opening a window. Time will pass quickly until I see the important people in my life again. Life is good. I am alive. I may feel totally alone in this room right now but am I really ever alone when I carry my loved ones in my heart?
Be blessed with a day fulfilling your dreams. I continue working on mine one step at a time.
Until next time … greetings from Minnesota.