Silence

I was humming to the song, Blue skies, smiling at me, nothing but blue skies do I see, while driving along highway 12 to the airport. The azure sky sported puffy white clouds. The day I had imagined for years and years had arrived. I would finally meet the man that had given me hope to continue fighting the fight.

How does one survive surgery after surgery and being sent home from the hospital with no pain medicine that could be taken for the unrelenting pain?  You dream, you hope, you pray and yes, look at the blue skies outside your window and dream some more. In my case, I would also wait for that sound of the chat message on my computer internet to chime. This told me Gavin was online and seconds later a message would appear from him like magic!

You see, Gavin blessed me with his novels and poetry that transported me to a world where there was no pain. I could forget what was happening around me for a few minutes. Forget that I was a mere seventy-five pounds, fighting to survive to live while hooked up to machines. Yes, forget the world of tubes coming out of my abdomen, the hurt of the iv needle coming out of my port, in my chest and the sound of the two machines keeping me alive. Finally, yes, finally, the day had arrived. After waiting fifteen years, I was going to the airport to meet for the “first” time my pen pal and soul mate. I could not have been happier!

I arrived at the airport in plenty of time. I went to the bathroom, fixed my hair and makeup. I found a fairly comfortable place to sit and watched the people around me. Where were they all traveling to as they hustled about the airport with their luggage, I wondered.  Then the secured gates opened. My heart was pumping so hard I thought it was going to come through my chest! The first person went through customs and was greeted with a loving embrace from a loved one waiting for them. The gates closed and opened several more times. No Gavin yet. I started counting people, seventy-five, eighty, one hundred. I was losing track and still no dashing British man! The custom gates closed yet again. It seemed that the passengers had all found their loved ones and were quickly leaving the airport, hand in hand. They all seemed extremely happy.  Arms wrapped around each other; hugging, kissing, smiling, laughing and talking. I again wondered where they all were going.

Adrenalin pumped through my veins as the gate opened again. Surely it was Gavin and he had gotten placed at the back of the plane and was just now coming through customs. No luck, it was the pilot telling the security guards that everyone was off the plane and it had been a great flight.  A great flight?? Everyone is off the plane?! I ran to the pilot and explained there had to be one more person. Had someone gotten ill and was getting medical attention,did he have a passenger on the list by the name of Gavin Hill? No answers to my questions; only “Everyone is off the plane”. The hustle and bustle of the airport noise around me went silent. I sobbed and no one cared that my soul mate wasn’t coming through customs and the simple truth was before me … my dream wasn’t happening or perhaps I was in a dream? No, Gavin had not been on that flight and there were no more flights coming in that day.

I was in a fog of silence as I sat down and was completely lifeless. I was sure an anxiety attack was waiting to happen. I didn’t know what to do.  I don’t remember going to my car. I don’t remember driving through rush hour traffic. I felt completely alone and empty. I kept wondering if Gavin was okay and where he was. Why had no one phoned me?

My years of waiting for Gavin to reach his American dream slipped silently away with the minutes turning into hours. The blue skies all around me seemed a dull gray and as lifeless as I was feeling. Nighttime slowly took a grip upon the land. I looked at the moon and somehow knew that Gavin was also feeling just as lifeless. He must also be looking at the moon but he wasn’t next to me as I had imagined. He was still thousands of miles away … across the blue. I didn’t think I could survive the long night of silence ahead of me. I got down on my knees and prayed.

Until the next post … be blessed.  Rosie ღஜღ

 

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